I'm just so tired of everything. The last few days have been rough. Tuesday, I finally convinced Mom to call the doctor and go see him about her swollen feet. He prescribed diuretics. Took the prescription to the pharmacy and tried to pick up her felopedine, but despite having asked the doctors office if they had faxed the renewal to the drug store, it wasn't ready. Left the new prescription and told them I would come back later for both of them. Took Mom home and before long, Sarah and Scott arrived to pick me up to take me with them to Salinas to pick up their car. It wasn't ready. Visited with Katie and Maddie and Owen for a while until the store closed, then I rode with Joe and Katie and the kids to Chevy's. Met Sarah and Scott and Charlie there, and we had dinner. Went back to the shop, and the car still wasn't ready, so we came home. Totally wasted evening.

Angela called that night to ask me if I could babysit Wednesday. We've switched our days, and I'm supposed to babysit on Fridays now, and her mother will take over Wednesdays instead of Thursdays. But of course, on the very first day she's supposed to babysit, she's sick. Right. So, I headed down to Hollister about 11:30. Angela said she would be home early. Right. John finally arrived at 6:45, and I grabbed my stuff and left. Don't know what time she actually got home ,but quarter to seven is NOT early. I called Mom twice to update her. Stopped on the way home for KFC, and arrived just in time to catch Sarah Palin's speech. You go, girl! I really really like her. Even though I'm a registered Democrat, I'm voting McCain/Palin this year.

This morning, Mom seems kinda out of it. Asked me what she should be taking. As if we don't do the same thing every morning. Asked me which of her pills was for water retention. Yesterday she asked me the same thing, and I watched her mark the bottle with the word Ankles, so you'd think she's figure it out. I constantly ask myself, is this for real, or a ploy for attention? It's so hard to tell, giving what I know about her whole life. This is who she is... Someone who manipulates people, guilts people into doing what she wants, puts people down subtly yet nastily. Why should any of this change, just because she's getting old and senile?

Today, I'm up early pruning vines and roses and bouganvilla, and as I'm taking a break from the heat, she suggests that this afternoon, we head over to Gilroy and Walmart and just look around. I don't know how many times I have to tell her I don't like shopping. If I need something, I'll go buy it, but just wandering around the concrete floors of a mega store is not my idea of fun. I can't see spending money you don't have on stuff you don't need. I know she hasn't been out of the house in days, but she's the one who canceled the trip to Reno.

My sister sent me a gift certificate to a local day spa. I'm touched and grateful. I'll probably use it to go get a massage. But what I really need is freedom from the responsibilty of Mom and grandkids. I need the gift of saying No. I need someone to listen to me and not judge, and time to do what I want, not what others expect me to do. I need to be wanted and loved for ME and not for what I can do for someone. Yeah, and people in hell want ice water.

It's gonna be a long day

So, we were supposed to go to Reno tomorrow for a couple of days, just to get away. But Mom woke up in a mood today. Her feet are still a tad bit swollen. As she lay on the couch this morning, she asked me if any of the meds I had taken away to my room last night were for her heart. I said, yes, why. And she said she thought maybe she should take one now. Well, of course she should, but I wanted to know more. Was she not feeling well?? Her only reply was that she felt "weird". No amount of prodding on my part would get her to tell me what that means, I know that from earlier experiences. So I just dropped it. She thinks I should take her to the emergency room to have them check out her ankles. I think that since it's been a week since this started, she can wait one more day and go see her regular doctor.

Sometimes I think she's just a prima donna, that if she doesn't get all the attention, she makes stuff up to get me to worry. I know that's not fair, but there's a life time of being her daughter that's really hard to shake. All my life, whenever I had problems, I was told to "take a pill" and get over it. I've had back problems almost all my adult life. I've suffered from tension headaches since I was a child. Recently, I've had high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat. But I'm not allowed to be sick. When I complain that I'm too tired to go to yet another store and walk around for an hour, she suggests vitamins. It doesn't seem to sink in that it's my heart...it's not pumping my blood effectively, and that leads to fatigue and shortness of breath. Maybe she just doesn't remember I have a heart problem???

I'm really just so tired right now. I wish I could leave her in someone else's care and take off for a couple of days, but there IS no one else. Oh, sure, my brother lives just 2.5 hours away, but I could just see him dropping his life and coming down here for two or three days. Not gonna happen. The most he ever gives is a few hours on a weekend.

Whine whine whine. I know. I should just deal with it.