I really really need my Mom right now. Things just seem so...pointless? Hopeless? Buster is so listless, it breaks my heart. He isn't eating. The last thing he ate was my leftover eggs and sausage yesterday. And he hasn't pooped since at least Thursday. I think he's gonna leave me soon. I love that old dog, and my life will have one more big hole in it when he's gone. I wish if he has to go that he would just go to sleep and not wake up. I can't bear having to call the vet and make that final decision. How can I repay all his love and devotion for 14 years by killing him? Even if it is the best thing for him, to save him from a painful death? I love him so much.
It's just been a shitty day. The pumpkins in the park thing with Sarah and Scott was a bust. Hot, crowded, Sarah her usual overbearing self. Charlie was a champ, but I didn't get to hang with him like I hoped. He was too busy with Mom. As he should be. But on the way home, I was going to stop at the library in Morgan Hill, and after I got off the freeway, I went my usual route, which of course took me right past our old house. The family there now was having a garage sale. Mom would have been spinning in her grave if she had one. The lemon tree was neglected, the parkways full of weeds. The apple tree hasn't started dropping leaves yet, though. Naturally, I started to cry big sobs, missing Mom and Dad, and wishing I could just walk up and walk into the garage and onto the patio. I want my old life back!!! I want my Mommy!!!
My heart actually aches. I mean, physically aches. Will this pain ever end? Probably not til I end it. Too much loss, too much pain, too much for me.