Friday, September 24, 2010

What If

Here's a hypothetical question for all my non-existant readers. If I drove home one Friday evening from work, put down the garage door behind me, and just sat there with the engine running, how long do you think it would take someone to find me? My guess would be not til Monday morning, when I didn't show up to babysit Charlie.

I really have thought about doing that. There are nights when I make a wish as I go to bed that I will somehow just die in my sleep, and not have to wake up to another day of pain. It all seems so pointless.

I do try. I try to find things to interest me, to keep me engaged in life. I want to write my book, but so many days with Charlie there just isn't time to sit and write. He demands so much attention. And when I get home at night, I'm too tired to think of plot lines and dialogue.

Maybe once he starts preschool and I have a few extra hours to myself in the morning? We'll see. If I make it that long.

My nephew is getting married Saturday, and I won't be there. I expect my brothers will be. I'd like to think my absence will be glaring, and there will be uncomfortable questions asked of my sister, but I know that's not the case. If anyone does notice I'm not there, I'm sure Sue will find some lie to tell. She's so good at lying.

I hate her, really. I mean, I love my sister, but I hate her. She's been mean spirited and vengeful, and she's made my nephews choose sides, something I never asked my kids to do.

But right now I don't like anyone except my grandkids. My own children annoy me, and my in-law kids...they're just as bad, or worse. Thoughtless, careless, self-centered, clueless as to how much pain they cause me, and even if they did know, they wouldn't care, or would try and talk me out of it. I'm so absoluely fucking sick of having to hide or lie about how much pain I'm in, just to keep from upsetting them or getting a lecture about how I shouldn't let other people bother me so much.

I know, I know. I'm rambling. I'm done. I'm so tired of trying to be all things to all people. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. seriously.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The best revenge...

It was Ivana Trump, I believe, who said the best revenge is living well. I thought about that this morning. I still have almost daily bouts of depression and tears, wondering why I'm such a worthless person, why no one really loves me (except the grandbabies, of course). All I want is for my family to get along, and be friends. That includes my siblings, and my kids and in-laws. I know I am far from perfect, but I wish they could see how precious family is. I know I said some harsh things about my own family after Mom died, but I was in the very early stages of grief at that point. I still think they were insensitive and greedy and just plain cruel, but they are my siblings. I do miss talking to them. And missing Matt's wedding still hurts. I wish they could understand that you can't turn back time. The year we've lost is gone forever.

But there's nothing I can do about it. I've tried, heaven knows I've tried. I probably will never hear what Matt and Cassondra did with the wedding present I sent. Keep it? Return it? Toss it in the garbage??? Whatever. I made the effort.

I sent my sister an email last week. That's going to be the last time I try to contact any of them. If they hate me so much, so be it. When I'm rich and famous, they'll be sorry.