Today is my birthday. I woke up this morning, got up and put on my shoes and coat to take the dog for a walk, and as we stepped out into the 5am cold and dark, I remembered, and I started to cry. I miss my mom and dad so much. And I miss my sister. I still don't understand how I could misread her affection for so long, or why she hates me so much.
I am so very very sad. Every day I get up and put on a mask for those around me who say they love me. I guess they do, at least for now. but I'm not sure anymore. I can't believe anything is real any more. I've been lied to and smacked down so often, I can't believe in goodness anymore.
I wish I could die. I wish I could do something about that. I'm either too noble or too cowardly to do anything. Hurting those around me is something I go to great lengths to avoid. And I know if I died it would hurt my daughter and my grandkids. So I suck it up and pretend everything is ok, and I start to cry the minute I get in the car at night, and the tears continue until I go to bed.
It makes me mad that I can't appreciate what I have because I'm so sad about what I'm missing.
What a rotten way to spend a birthday.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The sun is finally shining outside. It's still cold, but at least the sky is blue. Too bad it's so black in my heart. I'm so tired of feeling like crap. I'm so tired of people treating me like something to be avoided. I'm not really that bad a person, am I? If I am, I think I should just die now and get it over with. I really do want to die. I just don't have the guts to do anything about it. I'm such a pushover. I never say no to anyone (Marc Hulett excepted). I worry constantly about upsetting my family. I put on this mask every day so no one knows how sad and hurting I am. If I were to get sick, I would just curl up and die, willingly.