I was out walking the dog tonight and as I passed a neighbor's yard, I caught a whiff of fresh mown grass and suddenly I was transported to a late summer evening, sitting on the step of the trailer, sipping a glass of wine and watching Mom clipping back the ferns by the patio door. I can't believe that it's been over 13 months, and I still miss her as much as I did the day she died. Maybe more. When I pull the car into the garage I think of her. When I fix dinner, and set up my tv tray, I think of her. When I put on my pajamas, and get ready for bed, Ithink of her, and wish with all my heart I could walk down the hall to her room, lean in and kiss her goodnight. I would give just about everything I own if I could have one more day with her to talk to her, to ask her all the questions we left unanswered, to tell her how sorry I am for all the times I lost patience with her, how grateful I am for the gifts she gave me in her lifetime. I miss her caring about me, and fixing me dinner, and all the times we just hung out, talking. damn. It's not fair.
I suggested to God today that if He needs another soul, he can take me, if he would spare Layla Grace. I know he doesn't want me, cuz I'm not going to heaven. I wish I was, cuz then I'd see Mom again. I wish I could go to sleep and have Mom visit me in my sleep and tell me all the things I don't have answers to.