Today is my birthday. I woke up this morning, got up and put on my shoes and coat to take the dog for a walk, and as we stepped out into the 5am cold and dark, I remembered, and I started to cry. I miss my mom and dad so much. And I miss my sister. I still don't understand how I could misread her affection for so long, or why she hates me so much.
I am so very very sad. Every day I get up and put on a mask for those around me who say they love me. I guess they do, at least for now. but I'm not sure anymore. I can't believe anything is real any more. I've been lied to and smacked down so often, I can't believe in goodness anymore.
I wish I could die. I wish I could do something about that. I'm either too noble or too cowardly to do anything. Hurting those around me is something I go to great lengths to avoid. And I know if I died it would hurt my daughter and my grandkids. So I suck it up and pretend everything is ok, and I start to cry the minute I get in the car at night, and the tears continue until I go to bed.
It makes me mad that I can't appreciate what I have because I'm so sad about what I'm missing.
What a rotten way to spend a birthday.