Friday, September 24, 2010

What If

Here's a hypothetical question for all my non-existant readers. If I drove home one Friday evening from work, put down the garage door behind me, and just sat there with the engine running, how long do you think it would take someone to find me? My guess would be not til Monday morning, when I didn't show up to babysit Charlie.

I really have thought about doing that. There are nights when I make a wish as I go to bed that I will somehow just die in my sleep, and not have to wake up to another day of pain. It all seems so pointless.

I do try. I try to find things to interest me, to keep me engaged in life. I want to write my book, but so many days with Charlie there just isn't time to sit and write. He demands so much attention. And when I get home at night, I'm too tired to think of plot lines and dialogue.

Maybe once he starts preschool and I have a few extra hours to myself in the morning? We'll see. If I make it that long.

My nephew is getting married Saturday, and I won't be there. I expect my brothers will be. I'd like to think my absence will be glaring, and there will be uncomfortable questions asked of my sister, but I know that's not the case. If anyone does notice I'm not there, I'm sure Sue will find some lie to tell. She's so good at lying.

I hate her, really. I mean, I love my sister, but I hate her. She's been mean spirited and vengeful, and she's made my nephews choose sides, something I never asked my kids to do.

But right now I don't like anyone except my grandkids. My own children annoy me, and my in-law kids...they're just as bad, or worse. Thoughtless, careless, self-centered, clueless as to how much pain they cause me, and even if they did know, they wouldn't care, or would try and talk me out of it. I'm so absoluely fucking sick of having to hide or lie about how much pain I'm in, just to keep from upsetting them or getting a lecture about how I shouldn't let other people bother me so much.

I know, I know. I'm rambling. I'm done. I'm so tired of trying to be all things to all people. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. seriously.

1 comment:

Dawn Bushman said...

I won't talk to you about the suicidal thoughts, except to tell you it's not worth losing the people who love you who are here. Believe it or not, there are people here who love you.

I'm taking a writing class, did you know? Right now, we aren't worried about plots, we are just writing scenes. Any scene, anywhere in the book. You can write big scenes, little scenes, they just have to total 900-1500 words, double spaced with Arial font.

You also need to dedicate some time when you can write. Tell everyone else that it is your writing time, and you will need for them to respect this time of yours.

I've found it very theraputic, particularly in the face of things that I have no control over.

Good luck with the writing!