I'm sure there are people who think I should get over it. That after 19 months, I should be putting the grief away and getting on with my life. But that's so easy for them to say.
What they don't realize is that I didn't just lose my mother. I lost a huge portion of my life, of my support system. My mother wasn't perfect, neither was I, and yet we had forged a family unit. We cared for each other. Until she became too frail to do it, she fixed me dinner almost every night when I was working. She bought me Diet Coke when it was on sale. She would ask me to go with her to Mervyns or Ross or Walmart, and she would buy me stuff I hadn't even asked for, just cuz she wanted to. I miss that. Not the stuff. The generosity and love behind it. I remember once admiring a pumpkin-colored purse at Mervyns, but not buying it cuz it was too expensive. She waited til it went on sale, and she had a coupon, and bought it for me. And the fur blanket!!! I coveted this faux mink blanket, also at Mervyns, and she laughed at me, and made a point of how useless it was. And yet, there it was, all wrapped up one Christmas.
In return, I loved her. I did yard work she no longer could handle. I ran interference with the repair men we had to hire for the fence and deck and patio cover and garage door. I drove her to doctors appointments and hair dressers, and i sat in the emergency room so many times, holding her hand and keeping her company. I took her to Reno and Tahoe, and brought my grandkids to visit. They loved their GG, and still to this day, the older ones remember.
My Mom loved me. She worried about me. She fought with me. She thought I spent money foolishly, and she hated being lied to. But she loved me. She wanted ME there with her as her health failed. She trusted me to take care of her, she let me handle the most basic of her needs. And when she died, she was holding my hands. Til the day i die I will remember watching the light and life fade from her eyes. Is it any wonder I miss her so?